How VTS Can Improve Communication Through Dialogue (vs. Debate or Discussion)
Debate vs. Discussion vs. Dialogue
Debate is about winning and losing. You only listen to someone in a debate so that you can formulate an argument to refute them.
Discussion is similar to a debate. It’s much nicer of course, but you’re still trying to persuade and influence others to see things your way, because your way is “the right way.”
Dialogue is different. Your motivation during a dialogue is to try to understand each other, to find commonalities, to really get to know the other person and what is on their mind.
There is obviously a place for all 3 in various situations, but we rely too much on discussion during our communications with others. We may think we’re being open-minded and that the other person is feeling heard because we let them state their opinion. But, if you’re so busy listening to argue, you can’t also be listening to understand.
The importance of dialogue
If you truly want to connect with others, want to learn from them and see the world through their eyes, you can’t do that by arguing.
Whether your goal is to learn and stretch yourself beyond your typical lens, to become closer and more connected to someone in your life, to build a feeling of inclusion within a group of people, or to tap into others’ creativity and innovation, you need dialogue.
Keys to effective dialogue
Suspend your judgment
Listen, really listen
Inquire with true curiosity and open-ended questions
Explore your own assumptions, opinions, and biases
Making dialogue a habit
It’s not as easy as knowing how to do it or why it’s important. We’ve gotten into a habit of discussion and debate. And habits aren’t always easy to break. It takes knowledge, understanding, practice, application, and time.
You may have heard in the past that it takes 21 days to make a new habit (like daily exercise), but research is showing that it’s actually much harder than that. The study, How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world (European Journal of Social Psychology, 2009), concluded that new habits become automatic after repeating the behavior for an average of 66 days, though some people in the study took 4 times that long. So, it takes regular repetition over quite a long period of time to make a new habit.
How VTS can help
Participating in and facilitating VTS sessions is a great way to get that regular practice in. VTS is built on active listening, listening for understanding, accepting multiple viewpoints as possible simultaneously, psychological safety, open-ended inquiry, and the exploration of your assumptions and judgments.
Will it take 66 times? Not for most people. Research has shown that after participating in VTS 8-10 times (and after facilitating fewer times), people’s skills in evidence-based thinking (vs. assumption-based, opinion-based, or bias-based thinking) have dramatically improved.
But, hey, if you want to do it 66 times, we wouldn’t blame you!
